when i lost sight of who i am meant to be

picture via maria magdalena matal

when i lost sight of who i am, who i am meant to be, i lost my ability to participate or be a part of this world. i lost my dreams, i lost my music. i could not reach back into my soul and find the person i was born to be. i could not touch her hopes,i could not belong inside of her.
drugs took me away from all i ever loved. i came to believe that i did not belong in this world, and that i would be doing a favor to those who were burdened with knowing me, if i were to step out of this world.
everything became gray. i could see no color. nothing of this world held life to me, there was no shine. there was certainly no vibrancy within.
i could not shake the feeling. i 'deserved' to die. i 'owed it to my family' to stop hurting them with my addiction and horrible choices. it was not 'fair' that i should continue, because i could not stop the behavior. i could not quit.
...and so i attempted to take my own life.

it is through the determination of great beings here and beyond this world that i survived. i lay in a coma for 9 days. all of my organs shut down. my heart stopped several times, my lungs collapsed, my kidneys went into failure. i was put on life support. the doctors told my family that only time would tell.
i eventually woke. my brain was injured. i had to learn to talk again, and walk again. i still struggle sometimes to make my sentences come out right. my brain had to rewire itself in order for messages to be sent appropriately again. i think they work okay now, i will never know if it is back to 'normal'.
i like to think that i came away with some gifts from the experience. like sometimes when i am really listening i can feel another music, feel the brushtips of angels wings, rustling right through me, when i encounter profound types of beauty and deep truth.
i have found that i still can fall into the horrible realm of addiction, if i am not careful. i still can go against the grain of my being, i still can fail.
i still think i have been gifted with another chance at life for a reason. i think i have many great things to come in my life. i have purpose. i have grown from a kid with all the talent and potential in the world that one can hope for, into an adult with purpose.
i still just have to step back and remind myself sometimes. i am meant for more than this, we all are.
I have to remember how in that coma state i was drowning, i could not reach the surface, i could not reach my music. this is not a state i want to ever be in again. i do not belong there. being here is a gift, i must cherish.
blessings