Monday, June 25, 2012

quicksands



pic via 'pure from within' from facebook

i feel as if i have lost sight of my dreams and visions. my goals are shaky, my footing is insecure. i want to share with you this journey i am on. i want to be someone who not only walks through the fire, but does manage to get to the other side. i have certainly proven to all who have known me, that i am quite capable of dabbling in the quicksands of the world.
but i am more than just this one who has stumbled. i am one who has learned how to pick up the pieces and move along.
the hope shot? that perhaps my life will have had more meaning for all of it's twists and turns. perhaps i will say something to inspire you, or say something that will ripple out to someone else who really needs to hear it, and with this knowledge, we may continue to shape shift the world into a more loving, and less broken space.
my hope for this world?
that together we will leave behind, when we go, a space made more sacred by our presence.

Friday, June 22, 2012

broken

it's not that i do not feel broken. it's just that i want to believe with all of my heart, that i have a fighting chance anyway.
so i made this blog about being unbroken... not because i do not feel broken in ways. i feel hurt. i feel alone. i feel left out, and i even feel like giving up... but because i am still breathing, so i still have a chance to allow the process to make of myself a better world.


i found this picture on facebook, source unknown

Sunday, June 17, 2012

dreaming and believing



so i guess a blog is for someone with 'expertise' to share their knowledge. i have learned a lot in my life, but i have struggled with a lot of lessons also.
the toughest thing i have had to face is dealing with my own limitations. i cannot dabble in substances and get away with it without facing serious, powerlessness and unbelievable consequences.
i cannot thwart the system and walk away scot-free. i am not going to ever be a success if i do not get focused and remain steadily hardworking and producing brilliance we all are born with, and which i was gifted with plenty of.
all of the potential in the world will not make my dreams come true, if i do not MAKE it happen.
i can.
i have to also honestly face what i am capable of doing.
although i have been homeless, broke, poor, addicted, suicidal, up, down, and all around, i can make it.
anyone you may know or love who is lost out there CAN come back. you can too.
we are dreamers and doers. we can make anything happen in this world that we want to make happen... and we will.
expert? i do not know, but i am a believer, and i hope you are too.
may all of your dreams come true!

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Love Them Anyway


Mother Teresa's Love Them Anyway Poem

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.


What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

"If" by Rudyard Kipling



the following is a poem written by rudyard kipling:

If If you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you; If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too: If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies, Or being hated don't give way to hating, And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise; If you can dream---and not make dreams your master; If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim, If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same:. If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools; If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings, And never breathe a word about your loss: If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!" If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch, If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, If all men count with you, but none too much: If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds' worth of distance run, Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son! Rudyard Kipling

Monday, June 11, 2012

when i lost sight of who i am meant to be


picture via maria magdalena matal

when i lost sight of who i am, who i am meant to be, i lost my ability to participate or be a part of this world. i lost my dreams, i lost my music. i could not reach back into my soul and find the person i was born to be. i could not touch her hopes,i could not belong inside of her.
drugs took me away from all i ever loved. i came to believe that i did not belong in this world, and that i would be doing a favor to those who were burdened with knowing me, if i were to step out of this world.
everything became gray. i could see no color. nothing of this world held life to me, there was no shine. there was certainly no vibrancy within.
i could not shake the feeling. i 'deserved' to die. i 'owed it to my family' to stop hurting them with my addiction and horrible choices. it was not 'fair' that i should continue, because i could not stop the behavior. i could not quit.
...and so i attempted to take my own life.

it is through the determination of great beings here and beyond this world that i survived. i lay in a coma for 9 days. all of my organs shut down. my heart stopped several times, my lungs collapsed, my kidneys went into failure. i was put on life support. the doctors told my family that only time would tell.
i eventually woke. my brain was injured. i had to learn to talk again, and walk again. i still struggle sometimes to make my sentences come out right. my brain had to rewire itself in order for messages to be sent appropriately again. i think they work okay now, i will never know if it is back to 'normal'.
i like to think that i came away with some gifts from the experience. like sometimes when i am really listening i can feel another music, feel the brushtips of angels wings, rustling right through me, when i encounter profound types of beauty and deep truth.
i have found that i still can fall into the horrible realm of addiction, if i am not careful. i still can go against the grain of my being, i still can fail.
i still think i have been gifted with another chance at life for a reason. i think i have many great things to come in my life. i have purpose. i have grown from a kid with all the talent and potential in the world that one can hope for, into an adult with purpose.
i still just have to step back and remind myself sometimes. i am meant for more than this, we all are.
I have to remember how in that coma state i was drowning, i could not reach the surface, i could not reach my music. this is not a state i want to ever be in again. i do not belong there. being here is a gift, i must cherish.
blessings

Saturday, June 9, 2012

The Tarot



so, i am an oil painter, this was my first oil painting, a self-portrait. my brother taught me to take my art to the canvas. i am forever indebted...what peace applying art to the canvas brings!
i need to express myself with words and art. it allows a release to me as well as being extremely fulfilling. at the end of the expression i have the words too read or the art to observe. there is an intensity, an amplification, if you will, to life itself when arts are created!
art allows us to express what mere words cannot convey...
i do love tarot reading as well, my mother got me my first deck when i was around 12 years of age. i began actively reading around the age of 16.

"The Tarot", oil on canvas 28 inches by 36 inches.

Friday, June 8, 2012

the tirmana



detail of one of my oil paintings, "the tirmana"

I did this painting when I was experiencing a lot of turmoil. i have experienced the death of many loved ones, and in this phase of my life, i was grieving. a beautiful thing happened though, and the ghost image appeared in the painting. I brought her.
no matter what we are going through in life, the soul of the soul beckons. our life force, our ether, continues... she is the soul of the soul. she stays as witness to all of the changes.
she remains unbroken.
<3

the gift



the real gift we can offer the universe is to be in tune with one simple truth;
everything, EVERY thing that comes to us in this world, no matter how it is disguised, is a gift... a gift for us to realize and be grateful for.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

source

Go beyond, go back to the source, go to the self that is the same whatever happens. -- Nisargadatta

torment



there are so many of us who have had torments and sorrows. being human makes us susceptible to griefs, losses, loneliness, and pain.
...but there is something deeper in us that can survive anything we may go through in this world. this deeper space, this inner strength...comes from the unfettered parts of our spirits, the unbroken.

described by my love as "the voice of our conscience, the small, the whisper voice- that is god, right there. sometimes it is a long way from our minds to our hearts."

Wednesday, June 6, 2012



you don't have to stay a broken girl


I will soothe you and heal you.I will bring you roses. I too have been covered with thorns.
~rumi

we hang on, because this is the only way sometimes we can come out of our sorrow. we keep hanging on through suffering, and we come back into light and love. No part of life ever stays in shadow, we only need to keep hanging on. The light will come. Watch! Can't you see it rising?


so i have been many times to the ocean, lived at the ocean, flown over oceans and sat by the ocean. if any of you have ever been to the ocean, you probably know how profound an experience it can be.
i plan to have my children at the ocean in the next few weeks. they are aged 4 and 6, and ii have had them at the ocean many times already.
this picture i took off of the island San Salvador in 2003, i believe. it is thought to be where columbus first landed. the taino indians, part of the larger ethnic group, the carib, inhabited the island back then. being there was a beautiful experience.
i have traveled some tough paths, made more challenging by some of the choices i have made. but i have been gifted with so many beautiful experiences, so many wonderful travels, feeding the natural gypsy who dwells in my soul.
i look forward to this upcoming trip to the ocean. i NEED some ocean. few places on the planet offer such a vast scope of healing made possible by just placing oneself in such space.
i hope i make it to the ocean, and sit with my angels there.
i hope you get to where your peace flows within you, wherever you are.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012



"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark. In the hopeless swamps of the not quite, not yet, and the not at all, do not let the hero in your soul perish and leave only frustration for the life you deserved, but never have been able to reach. The world you desire can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours."
~Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

Ah, i must say, i am a good one for getting caught in frustration and falling out of the wonderful habits of positive thinking, when i feel like it just isn't working. My efforts seem to accomplish little to nothing, over and over again. In some circle, these feeling are referred to as 'The Fuck Its', and I get them, in all of their inescapable glory.
I am the type of person who cannot afford to fall into the eternal abyss of these negative feelings. It is a slippery slope for me, and I've burned myself out with the trying, rebuilding, over and over again- what feels like to no avail.
When i get to feeling this way I have to remind myself that the only way out is up. I am unbroken. I may be tired, I may even be exhausted, but i am NOT broken. I have to reopen the channels to that part of me which remains unbroken, no matter what.
You have in you a part which is protected, a part that is safe and strong, a part that remains unbroken, no matter what

Monday, June 4, 2012



Oh, beautiful one, if only you could see how your presence blesses the world around you. I myself am blessed to have known you.


This poem hung on the wall in our kitchen while i was growing up in Akron, Ohio. I grew up in a very positive, loving environment. Both of my parents were hard workers and our morals and values unquestionably were geared with a loving regard toward the rest of humanity. I was fortunate to not have some of the traumas or hardships that some people have had to endure.
Life brings to us such challenges sometimes. The world shifted, I grew up. Things that happened to my world kind of felt shattering to me. A lot of my own choices made it even worse. I am merely human, so I do not mean to beat upon my self over it, only to say that I chose a more challenging path than most.
Ironically, I would love to believe that this gave me the opportunity to be a more beautiful person, or at least more capable of helping the suffering of others. Sometimes no word of encouragement or pep talk can uplift another. Sometimes I just need to revert back to the old tried and true adage: and 'REST IF I MUST, BUT JUST DON'T QUIT'
So wherever you are, and whatever you are going through, don't worry, you will be alright. Just don't quit, give yourself another chance, or ten, if need be. You are worth it.

Sunday, June 3, 2012



make no mistake, one of the biggest parts of any healing we may do in this world is contingent upon our relationships with others. because you are with me, i feel like i can walk through this. some things in life are just too difficult to walk through alone.

thank you, my brother, for sending this link to me, and for standing beside me no matter what the trials and tribulations i faced.

Saturday, June 2, 2012


pic by artist tony sorsdahl

keep on the sunny side of life!
i try to maintain a positive outlook. at the end of the day, no matter what it is we are going through, we are going to be okay. even situations that seem painful and intolerable come to an end. we move on, and we go to the next lesson or space where we need to be for our development.
smiling feels better though, than frowning. looking up seems more enriching than looking down.
so please hold your head up and smile, a beautiful day arises!

rise above your sorrows, beautiful one... blossom wherever you are


we are very sensitive, fragile little beings. we need love, we need healing. little parts of us may get to feeling broken sometimes. i find myself sometimes feeling fragmented or disconnected, followed by feelings of low self-worth. i've certainly made my share of mistakes.
i am only human, and perhaps not one of the greatest beings walking this earth at this time. we all need to remember our fragility, be gentle with ourselves and one another. we are only here a short time.
so if you pass somebody looking down, try to offer a little encouragement. from me to you: pick your head up! you are beautiful. if nobody told you yet today that they love you, i love you.
have a lovely, peaceful evening, or day, wherever you are!
~tara

Friday, June 1, 2012


sometimes we all need healing, and it may come from unexpected sources. the most beautiful source is the healing that comes from within, when we get in touch with the part of us deep inside which is untouched by the pain of the world. we are the greatest healers when we attune ourselves with core.
we all have core. we all have source. i honor this space within you. that space within me senses that space within you, and spirit bodies float out from each of us and meet halfway, honoring that within each of us.
namaste... i remember. it is wonderful to see you once again, my friend. we are unbroken.